"Refine me, Lord, through the flame."
That was what I seeked. To be refined, to be molded into a character of God, to be more and more like Him each day, to learn new things and push myself forward.
But it's been tough.
The job has been taking a toll on the spirit. There is very little joy, very little confidence and a lot, a lot of self doubt recently. Somehow, I've managed to get on the wrong end of everybody's tail, and I feel the brunt coming down on me, like a domino effect, one after another.
I can analyze this a million times, go over it many times, blame it on everyone else, and still, it won't matter because what's done is done. I only have 2 more days of shoot before this nightmare is over, but it's really hard keeping it together. It's always on hindsight, on hindsight that I'll be told that I should have done this, or that. Basically I'm running about like a headless chicken, bearing the wrath of everyone on set.
It's the first time I ever felt so small, so helpless. So lost. And this whole house moving thing isn't helping at all.
Joyce said to me, "Deanna, praise God in times of need, so that you'll be able to feel His comfort. You have to try praising God even when you're at your lowest. For He is always there, His mercies never end."
Lord, I praise you. I praise Your wonderful name, Your works. I praise You, even when I'm battered and broke, even when my spirit lies in ruins, I praise You Lord, for You are the only one worthy of all praise, for You will deliver me, You will hold me and protect me. Lord, I know that You have a plan, and this is my refinement, this is my moulding, this is my training. I thank you Lord for this, and I pray for the strength, for the will, for the Spirit within me to stand up and fight against everything that is wrong, to conquer whatever that is going wrong. Lord, You protect me with your staff. If You are for me, who can be against me? Thank you for loving me, and sending so many friends to comfort me, to know that You are there, listening.
Amen.
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