Monday, August 27, 2012

The small lil 'L'

The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want!

Haiya!

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Sexiest tranniest voice ever.

When one starts sounding manliest among all the men her cell group, one must accept that her throat is spoilt and shut up and start listening more.

Until it heals la.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

The Words of the Drugged Out

It's been a while since I've felt this crazy, this impulsive, this... weird.

Like a rehash.

It feels familiar, yet fresh and different.

It feels exciting, but scary.

It feels like a game, but yet it ought to demand more respect than a game.

Everything's uncertain, and it might just be in my head. So much so that it gave me an intensive headache at work yesterday.

I'm kidding. But the headache was real. Oh gosh I sat in that meeting from 1pm to 5pm, with my head lolling from side to side and my eyeballs in pain. Worst feeling ever.

Anyway, yay to my bosses who sent me home and I fell fast asleep until.... Now.

And so, am still wearing my sports bra because I was supposed to go for training after work yesterday.

And hence this seemingly incoherent post because I am still feeling a little drugged out.

I dreamt the other day of the one who has long treated me as non-existential. That one lor, who had me thinking long and hard all year last year what I've done wrong to deserve such crap. Somewhere along, I realized, yup, I really do deserved it. I've never put in much of an effort, and I have been obnoxious, off putting and really mean. Really, really mean. Really nasty. I concluded that yup, i deserved this silent treatment. Of course it kills me to lose this person as a friend, because this person knew me and loved me. But I didn't, or rather, didn't show it as much as I should have.

Well, I had a dream. Dreams where that person pops out are getting to be less frequent, but they all have the same message. I would dream that we meet somewhere random and start to talk, and it was comforting. Until I wake up, that is. A few days ago, the dream was that the person came to me during a gathering of some sort and said, hey I'm sorry. Let's talk. You cannot imagine that amount of comfort it brought to me.

Until I woke up, that is. Well, because dreams are just dreams, and this scenario will probably never happen ever. RIGHT? Because 1, I'm probably the one who needs to apologise and 2, I've been so lousy during that time.

Well, time to wake up, see the doctor, live another day and just pray hard that I won't do the same thing to the next person who comes along.

If the next person is not in my head, that is.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

The Family.

I wanted to take the time to just type out random stuff on the blog while waiting for my video to render, but my sister, who was on her bed, kept saying that she was fat.

It became a little unbearable to hear that she feels that being fat dominates her life, and that she knows that there are other less fortunate people out there but she couldn't care more. She don't have that capacity in her heart to feel and love these people, she don't have any capacity in her heart to think about other things. She is preoccupied with her "fat" arms and "fat" legs.

"Does it help if I tell you you're not fat and that's the truth?" I asked.

"No. If just one person says I'm fat, I will feel affected. My friend keep saying I am fat and black."

"Can you go ask that idiot to go screw herself?"

"Cannot. That's how society judges. It's society's viewpoint."

"Society is molded by you and me. It's our opinions."

"No I cannot ignore society. I am part of it."

I told my sister I'd rather buy her an air ticket to see the world than buy her a slimming centre voucher. But obviously, I was firmly rejected.

How did such narrow perspectives form in her head, I truly wonder. At this point, I really find it a struggle to talk to my family over such matters. In my head, if they were Christians, it would have been solved more easily. I guess I'm biased, and also thinking this way is not right because lamenting doesn't solve anything.

But of course, I'll pray... Prayer, that's the only thing that works these days. At least for me, when nothing else seems to be able to work. I think this is a time of molding and shaping myself, a time to try and reconcile with the family over unresolved issues, and yeap, a time to "Refine Me Through The Flame."

All these might sound rather serious, but don't worry, I guess it's because I've not really tackled them before, having lived half my life in oblivion and escapism. I am truly glad to be a Christian, though by no means am I the holiest, godliest Christian out there. Because when I feel stuck like this, when there are no humanly way, no logic, no reasoning to be done, there really is nothing else to do but to pray like never before.

We'll get through it. All 6 + 1 (brother in law) + 1 (the niece now nicely baking in the oven) of us.
 


Monday, August 6, 2012

Look At The Stars, Look How They Shine For You

Last night, I was in a coach, en route to Larkin Central from Malacca. I was fast asleep in the beginning, but I roused from my sleep and started looking out the window.

It was dark. Except for the blinding headlights of vehicles that zoomed past on the opposite side of the road, it was pitch dark. At first, I made out 3 shiny dots in the sky. Hmm, they are probably satallites, I thought to myself. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I began to make out even more dots. Soon, I was craning my neck to look at the star filled sky in awe.

After a few seconds, I pulled my neck back into my seat. I looked around the bus, and because I sat at the last row, I could see everyone. Everyone was still. Some were looking forward, some were sleeping, some were stoning, but nobody seemed to notice the stars in the sky. Of course, when we boarded the bus, all the curtains were already drawn shut, and most of the people left it as that. But I didn't like it the moment I went on board, so I flung my piece of cloth to the back to my seat. Am I glad I did that!

It hit me, while looking at the scene in front of me and back to the brillant night sky, that the stars seemed to be a metaphor. God's brilliance, hidden among the stars, seem so far away, and so few. Some people won't even get a chance to see them, because they're so comfortable with where they are and how things are. They'll leave the curtains down and continue with their lives. And to tell the truth, most of us are like that. Most of us will go as we are, never once lifting our heads to look out and see the vastness of the world. Never once, to look for God. Or worse, thinking He does not exist when He's just up there, above our heads.

But you know, once you look up and see the stars, there's no way you can look away. Until the neck begins to tire, your eyes stay fixated upon the glory in the skies. Sure, you'll have to rest for a while after craning your neck for so long, and there will be people who arn't impressed, who draw back the curtains and continue. There will be people whose eyes are hurt by the blinding lights of the opposite vehicles. There will be people who think of that as nothing but huge balls of gas hanging up in space by rocket science theories.

I hope I will not be one of these people.

Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Niam niam niam.

Don't get angry at people who say they've no money for steamboat with the rest of the team but can fly everywhere for holidays.

Don't get angry at people who say they've no money for steamboat with the rest of the team but can fly everywhere for holidays.

Don't get angry at people who say they've no money for steamboat with the rest of the team but can fly everywhere for holidays.

Don't get angry at people who say they've no money for steamboat with the rest of the team but can fly everywhere for holidays.

Don't get angry at people who say they've no money for steamboat with the rest of the team but can fly everywhere for holidays.

Don't bitch about them to the rest.

Don't bitch about them to the rest.

Don't bitch about them to the rest. 

Don't bitch about them to the rest.

Don't complain about being paid in goodwill when trying to preach grace.

Don't complain about being paid in goodwill when trying to preach grace.

Don't complain about being paid in goodwill when trying to preach grace. 

Don't complain about being paid in goodwill when trying to preach grace.

Don't be further aggravated when you see new pictures of said people with airline tickets and you think about the steamboat. 

Don't be further aggravated when you see new pictures of said people with airline tickets and you think about the steamboat. 

"But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips."

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The new first time.

"I can taste a little of the honey
That He has promised me
As I await my treasures in heaven
I can't imagine how sweet they will be."

For if you are as helpless as I am now,
there is no other solution than the Great Big Man himself.