Arise, My Darling.

It's the time for counting down.

1 month, and a half.

And then, my life is probably going to look, sound, taste and feel very different.

Am I prepared?

Well, my stuff are all still at home, so I guess the answer is probably... I don't know.

Am I excited?

Definitely.

Am I stressed out?

Sometimes. But I have this certain ability to tune out unimportant things, which is also the reason why my room is still intact and nothing has moved out of the house yet.

Do I want Mr Lim to be my husband though?

Yes, yes, a million times yes.

You Don't Miss the Water Until It's Gone

It has been a week without a soul at home.

The parents and the sister are in the States for a break, and I'm the only one in our five room Bishan flat. I really cannot think of a day where I was once left alone in the flat, as there'll always be at least one other sibling or parent at home.

It's pretty weird. And I constantly have to remind myself that I am 28 already. An adult capable of living independently by herself.

Yeah right.

I still get slightly scared by random creaks around, and living next to an MRT depot where trains drone on doesn't help at all. My own shadow does not help. 

That said though, I do enjoy the freedom of being by myself, watching Netflix in the living room all by myself and eating whatever I want.

It's just though, the silence can be quite intimidating. Not that I don't talk like there's no tomorrow on normal days at home, but there's just something warm about human bodies being in proximity to one another. There's that sort of comfort, that safety and just a feeling of peace.

Wow now I'm missing the water.

Saturday's Alright

It's one of those rare Saturdays where I thought I had something on, but I didn't, and so ended up getting groceries and then enjoyed a nap at home.

And then I did what I thought would be unthinkable.

I googled "workout videos" and did 2 of those "beginners" video. At first, no problem, it's simple. Then the man in the video proceeded to do crunches, and jabs, and I really started sweating like nobody's business. I was so tired by his third set that I checked the time that has passed and.. it's only been 5 minutes.

Yes, this is how unfit I am!

I have since bathed and now, as I'm typing this, I'm still achey. But that said, I did enjoy the heart pumping motions and the sweat that is coming out. Just something about exercising that is just so enjoyable and healthy.

Alright, it's 7pm and my body is saying "It's time for bed."

I'm kidding.

Of What's Trending and What's Eternal

In the midst of all that one-in-a-lifetime wedding planning, I found it all too easy to lose myself in the busyness of it all.

The colour scheme, the invites, the dresses, the shoes, the make up, the props, and even the hashtag. Yes, that hex thingy also!!!!

But the twist is, the fiance doesn't.

He likes to talk about everything else. Although he does, once in a while, broach about the topic.

I guess it's a good thing, since I'll probably drive him and myself crazy if all we did all day was to talk about that one day in our entire lifetime together.

And it does takes some pressure off when we allow ourselves to stop being so hectic and hung up on things that we want to do and get frustrated about the things that we know we cannot do.

And if we overhype things, what'll happen after that day, right? There's still a life ahead to look forward to, and I see his wisdom in thinking about that more than the one day.

Well anyway, currently we have thought about a lot a lot of puns for our "Save The Date". They include our top (controversial) favourite, a bacteria saying STD! (Save.The.Date), and a date drowing and saying "Save Me!" Good right? That's the thing about weddings, right? That everyone wants to try to be as unique as we can.

In the midst of all of these though, I have this naggy feeling that the current social ideal of "Weddings" is so far off from what is biblical and what is important. It is hard though, not to get swept up in the hype of that ONE PERFECT DAY. However, our daily lives still need pruning and moulding, the sheep needs to get fed, and our lives' missions don't just stop because we have a wedding to plan.

Or at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself in a all-mature voice.

Luckily, looking at my own wallet and then at the prices of so called "Must Have" wedding items sobers me up. "Must Have" my arse. I used to think that one needs to be married in a hotel as a standard. I only remembered that a few days after I've signed a package with a Chinese restaurant group. That's why people say, all your dreams fly away when you grow up.

But anyway, of course I am still looking forward to the planning and everything in between.

Ahhh.. 6 more months to go!

Words of Wisdom

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.”

Proverbs 16:32 ESVV

Love Is Easy

When I was younger, I'd imagine what love would be like for me. I was never the prettiest, the most popular, and my brush with love was far and few. And I do know a thing or two about unrequited love as well.

Such was my life, and of course shaping my perceptions were TV shows with fateful lovers aplenty. Looking at the drama that also surrounded some of my friends, I thought, man, relationships are tough.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. In the morning, I was berated by my mother, to the point where I stormed out the house and drove away while crying in the car. House moving had caused much tension and uneasiness in my family.

When I reached church, I saw my friends and I put on a brave front. But when I saw ZR, I whispered to him, I'm so upset.

He was in the midst of preparing for his sermon. Are you upset with me? He asked.

No not you, my mother.

Okay okay, you hold on ah. He went quickly to do something, but was right back beside me in a jiffy.

What happened, he asked.

And then, I don't know what came over me, the floodgates unleashed itself.

He stayed with me, and even brought me to buy some baos, as I hadn't eaten at all. Don't you have a sermon to go to, I asked.

I've got time, he said cheerfully. I'll stay with you.

And so from then till the day ended, he was right beside me. I felt so comforted and so blessed.

Near the end of the day, he turned to me and said, did you ever think life will be like this, dear?

Never, I said. I never thought I would be this happy. This comfortable.

For me to have found a guy, who makes punnier jokes, who knows Stacy's Mum and even rickrolled me during the proposal, never in all my life. I was looking at him once while preaching, and I remembered a prayer I made to God. God, I just want to have a Christian boyfriend. Any Christian boy also can la, I just don't want to be single. Thank you God. 

Then I see in front of me the boy whom I love, loving God as he preaches with fervor and conviction. And guess what, he loves me back! That very moment, was the moment I knew, God You love me so much. And I know in every bit of my being, I do not deserve being loved so much.

I never thought love could be like this. I had once decided that love was just a small aspect of life ( when I was single and trying not to be desperate). But my God, my God, showed me how important love is.

I never thought that love could be so easy. 

But it is.

The Burning Smell of Death

The door to the furnace opened. I heard a trolley moving.

Everyone craned their necks forward, in silence. In dread. 

"Be brave." A voice cried out. It was someone in the very first row, just in front of the glass panel. Sobs can be heard.

I held onto the railing in front of me, breathing in and trying to compose myself. It felt like the worst feeling ever. I had an impulse to grab the hand of the girl beside me, but I gathered the courage not to.

Slowly, the wooden box rolled forward, just beneath us. The atmosphere was unbearable. There we were, a crowd of about fifty, watching the coffin move into the next phase. Everyone was silent. 

The man inside was my churchmate's father, who had succumbed to cancer after battling with it for a good few years. I did not know him at all, although I have seen him in pictures on Facebook posted by my friend.

Still, there is something sobering about watching a fellow human's life coming to an end. I have never come this close to death before, only going to void deck wakes and looking at the departed in glass coffins.

As the coffin rolled nearer to the furnace, there was a heaviness that lingered in the air, pierced by sobs, crying and sadness. And if i, a person who never knew him, could have such a grieved moment, I could not imagine the pain of his death through the eyes of his family and friends.

And although, we know, in scripture, in consolation, that He is gone to be with our Father, the wanting to stop the coffin from inching further in is real. The hope for forever, for immortality, the desire for death to be defeated was immediate. 

Alas, we were all physically separated, here we are, the alive in the viewing gallery, and the dead in the coffin. 

Finally, the coffin entered the furnace area and the door closed. That was it. Everyone slowly streamed out the exit. Everyone, after consolations and hugs, returned to their normal routines and their lives.

I drove away, returning to civilisation, returning to doing my work, resuming my life.

But tonight, I felt the need to write this down, to remember. I left that experience with strange feelings. The regret of death is real. 

I wonder if this will change my heart for evangelism. I do not know and only time will tell. But one thing is for sure, the regret of death is heavy. 

I wonder if it will change my outlook on life. I wonder if I would start prioritising some things over others. 

I know in my head and in my heart, God and his promises. It's a hard thing to reconcile though, when a body is going to be burnt. But then, all the more, all the more, I need to hold onto my God, the God who conquered death.

For now, I am glad to be breathing, living and knowing, the joy after death.

Of Prep And Plans (Or Please Don't Follow The Way I Plan My Wedding)

After the successful/ surprising proposal by the boyfriend last December, we started prepping for "The Big Day". Only to find, that there are so many bumps and obstacles en route. Such as:

- Originally we had this grand idea of throwing a beach party at this nice big open air cafe in Sentosa.  That's because he has got a whole troop of youngsters and I've got 3 whole basketball teams to invite, on top of our relatives. However, after one or two correspondence with them, the prices are on par with hotels. Hotels will usually throw in at least one night's stay, flower arrangement services, free wedding favours but that place doesn't, which makes that idea ridiculously an expensive one. So we started looking for other places.

Upon researching and emailing other possible venues:

- Some venues are already booked out on Saturdays this November and December. AND IT'S ONLY MARCH NOW!!!

Then going back to the church idea because our church definitely can hold a lot of people for the ceremony. BUT:

- I really do want to hold it in my church, but some new rules are hard to swallow. Basically it's a 50/50 chance of having the solemniser we want...

- I still want to hold it in my church, but the car park is really small for a reception. We really want a reception that is interactive and fun, then dinner will just be with the relatives.

- The boyfriend is outraged at the tentage price if we would like to hold the reception at the car park.

And looking at the current wedding industry:

- Who invented the wedding cake? Who invented the $2000 plus to rent but $3000 to buy gown? Who made a wedding photo album a necessity? The commercialisation of this occassion is worse than Christmas.

- We went to a wedding show at a hotel that we knew we could not afford, but we wanted to see how these things are like. Sure, I ate back most of what I paid for at the buffet lunch, but Mr Lim ended up sleeping like a pig during the wedding gown fashion runway segment. (I laughed to myself looking at him dozing off. Too funny!)

"Vanity, everything is vanity"

Anyway, without a fixed venue and date, there's not much else to do, because most of your deadlines and timelines will work towards that date and that venue "look". So, we're still looking. We're still hopeful.

We've also started asking around in other churches, churches with big carparks. So far, the few responses we've been getting aren't very good as they also have been booked out end of the year and/or only allow non-members who have no church buildings to rent.

Of course, it's a little unsettling that after 3 months of trying to get a place/ a date, we're still at square one. And I was slightly dismayed.

The boyfriend, or rather, fiance, said, well, worst-case we'll do it at ROM, just us lor. Then we'll do church on another day.

I said, hmm... I don't know... I need time to warm up to that idea.

In my mind, I'm thinking, what!! No fanfare? No celebrations? Just us? What a low-key affair! But I want to show people that I'm getting married leh.

Okay, so I wanted to show off. "Vanity, everything is vanity"

Then I picked up the bible - I had to, my mind was in destress- and I was on Isaiah. It was about God chiding His people, who'd abandoned Him to worship the mountains, to worship themselves.

Alamak...

I guess it brings a wedding into perspective. And what it should glorify.

The answer is... not me la.

So I messaged the boyfriend, as long as your family and my family and our choice solemniser get to go eat Hai Di Lao together after ROM, I think can la... I'm warming up to that idea already.

Right now, our plan is to just keep looking. The good thing is, our God do not demand that there's a special date that we die die have to marry on - one day is really small when you look at eternity as your timeline la- and although people have been bugging me on fixing the wedding date as fast as I can, I am actually quite glad that we are taking time to think through and explore different options.

One because it's a lot of money leh.

Two because it's our project together! And the end of our "first major project" happens on the wedding day. HAHA. We should use this time to get to know one another's styles and ways of doing things. No rush lar.

And three, the wedding deadline is set by us. And I think to myself, well, I rather be flexible and save 30% on my wedding day, then I use that money I save on my marriage la eg. house/ expenses/ honeymoon even. Right? Right?

Anyway, here's us after the proposal. Hehe... As you can see, I was totally not dressed for the occasion. :)

And then now I'm stuck on S.H.E

Alamak... Time traveling ear worm!!!!!!

小幸运

A big thank you Charis and Jocelyn. These two girls sang their hearts out during an impromptu K session in the small confines of my trusty rusty new-but-old Nissan.

And created a timewarp earworm in my head.

We went through the hottest song of the season, Hebe's 小幸运, and then S.H.E, and a few more, but we kept bouncing back to S.H.E.

By the time I dropped Jocelyn off at her ULU Sengkang house, we've gone through 3/4 of S.H.E's repertoire. I'm serious.

So I'm now on a train bound for Memory Lane, which I'll just indulge for a little while. Blame it on the movie, which I conveniently got from Charis. It wasn't quite 那些年，and I could never be that lead girl because frankly, I couldn't afford going to the salon for hair treatments at that age and with that hair, but still, it did evoke some wonderful memories from the days of youth. And crushes. And likes. And "can't believe I fell in love with that guy" kind of thoughts.

While the song that's the title of this post plays. On repeat.

Thanks ah, Charis.

I'm trying to understand the song as I go along.

I think it should be a reflective piece, after a break up, looking back at the better times of a relationship? And then accepting the break up while still being able to cherish the moments of it, being able to appreciate the good side of the other party and knowing that whoever loves next, will be really blessed to have them.

I think lar, my Chinese is not that good.

OR

It's about realising that you don't want to let go but you did, so too late already. So there's nothing left to do but remember all the good things about them and their experiences and then to say they'll be a blessing to the next person.

Well, no matter which it is, it is still a very beautiful song.

And the movie made me cry buckets. Although I found it a little creepy for the male lead to be smiling constantly.... he might be trying to give a new dimension to his character though. Okok, the editor in me is trying to analyze the film- staappphhhh.

Alright now, I guess once I get sick of it I'll be ready to move right to Future Road.

On a last note, you think it's appropriate to play this song at my wedding or not, ah?

The TV Industry Is Magic Made From Mundane.

After the n-th person quit from my office, I feel that this has to be said. Guys, TV is nothing more than mundane activities strung together, creating a formula that looks magical. But there is nothing magical about having to source for an obscure prop, or having to be on set on twelve-hour shoot days where you are far away from friends and family, or even getting crew all the drinks they need to plow through the day.

Nothing magical at all.

So before anyone sees a Behind-The-Scenes and go, oooooh so fun, and decides to jump into this industry because you get to see stars, please, I beg of you, DON'T.

The glamour, the lights and pizzazz of television are all made possible on the backs of sweaty men and women who wake up before the crack of dawn, making every minute on set count, doing things that defy the "laws" of a university graduate.

When you read a script, it is just words, description words, character names, dialogue chunks. There is no magic.

When you stand, physically behind the scenes, there is no magic. Everyone is busy in their own department. The logger logs the shot, checks the script and notes continuity. The make up artist scrutinises the actor's face on camera, ready to jump in to touch up at any time. The props master is waiting to put in the props for the next scene and the welfare person is making sure everyone is well and properly fed. On screen, is the action being filmed, one shot here, one shot there. You see the raw, flat shots. There is no magic.

In the editing suite, there is no magic. The editor cuts out the front and the back of the clips, stitches the sound and visuals together, splices different angles together, picks out the best takes and assemble it together. It can be pretty boring to sit through a whole day's footages.

Then it goes to colour grading and audio mixing.

When after all that work is done, from scripts to shoot to the final mix, and you play the video, the film comes to life. That's where the magic is, inside your TV box.

So if you can stand that the satisfaction only comes in that little box, please, come join us in this industry.

If not, seriously, don't even.

This War of Mine - What a Game!

There are games like Call of Duty, where you pick off enemy soldiers one by one, not caring where they come from and who they are.

Then there are games like.... this one.

That makes you feel guilty for stealing from an old couple's home. And when kids knock on your door to ask for food for their sick mother, you have to think twice because that's all the food you have.

So this is a game where you start off with 3 civilians, living in an apartment that is somewhat still liveable (it has a fridge! SCORE! And a heater tooooo), but there are parts of the home destroyed, so it isn't exactly robbery proof. You're in the middle of a war, where there are scarce supplies in the city and you'll have to assign someone to go out to scavenge in the night. 

The first round I played, one of my players died of depression on the third day, because I got him to rob an elderly couple's house. And thinking like how one would in normal games, I cleaned them out. Even when the old man was begging me to leave some medicine for his sick wife.

I got pretty frustrated, and I restarted the game. There's no save mechanism so it only saves before the next morning. Meaning, whatever you build in the day/ scavenge for in the evening, counts for nothing if you choose to exit. And when your characters get shot by hostiles and die, the game saves. The message is clear, you can never save and redo your life in times like these.

This is Pavle, he digs digging.

When I played through my second round, I decided to try punching a fellow (friendly) scavenger for fun. 

I died.

And so the house was left with 2 people. Which, actually works out because there weren't enough resources to go around. So I continued playing, although the 2 people started becoming sad. 

But mostly, I went to the abandoned places on the game map and collected resources, instead of killing hostiles.

One day, while I was playing, my boyfriend asked if I could knife Marty (a trader willing to trade for medicine for his father) for fun. He'd been playing Fallout 4, and that seemed to be the most logical thing to do, in Fallout 4 that is. I did, for fun, but with one stab, Marty died. And then Marty, whose father is a sickly man, comes out and mourns his fallen son. My boyfriend was appalled. 

You can't kill him dear, look at him. That's not right, my boyfriend mutters. 

Huh, but look at all the supplies I get from killing him! I said.

But you just killed a poor defenseless man and his father is so sad. Look at the supplies though. Wah so much.

Are you schizo? I asked. First he asked me to kill this man, then he says it's not right. Alright, alright... in the end, I restarted the day. Yay! Marty no die.

Shortly after, someone came to the house asking if he could stay. Great! 3 more people. And from that day on, I didn't kill a single soul and was so proud of it. Oh. Except that rapist guy who was going to rape the poor girl in the Supermarket. That's er, justified right?

Finally, war ceased on the 43rd day, just as I was about to saw my way through a ruined block of flats. And I survived, miraculously, after scavenging parts and having my own "factory" at home and sustaining on rats.

This game is oddly satisfying, but depressingly so. And so it showed me, if Singapore is ever going to be in war and such conditions, I'd die pretty fast.

The Diary of a Crazed Editor (or are you sure you want to be in Post Production?)

This is my log from 11pm on 12 Jan 2016.

It is a day, no a night, in the life of an editor. Think twice before you think post production is fun.

The situation:

I have 3 things to do. Export 2 episodes and edit, then export one more episode. I thought I could do it after the freelance editor does his changes and presents it and leaves, as I needed the computer in the editing suite. Turns out, he took the whole day and he still wasn't done.

Finally, he left around 10.45pm. And so my "night shift" started.

My esteemed reader, you must also know the fan in my office server isn't working today. So it goes beep beep beep, pause, beep beep beep, pause and repeat until tomorrow morning when the IT guys come to change the fan. 

11:40pm

Premiere Pro got stuck at 6% of export. The beeping is getting to my head. Two bangs of the table just so I can clear murderous thoughts in my head. Restarting computer. Goes to my computer and tries to relink files. A few thousand missing files. Okay. This will test my patience. Asked self why did editor changed root folders and make things so hard to find?

11:56pm

Had to wait 3 minutes before I can restart because was copying files. Longest. Three. Minutes. Ever. I wondered if I could have a more meaningful life than this.

12 midnight

Finally, restarted the computer and opened Premiere Pro CC2015. The icon kept jumping. Seriously if it hangs again....

12.03am

Programme launches. My life has meaning again! But the edit loads.... Slowly. Ah damn. The other computer is still showing "locating media". Brilliant multitasking isn't as brilliant after all.

Shut up beeps.

1.12am

Attempt number 3. Updated my QuickTime. Deleted unnecessary files. (Why are there 4 layers of video when we only need one? I need to write a rule book on this). At this moment I hate all editors, including myself. Had banged on table at least 4 times and stomped feet. Luckily no one is in office but damn, I am so pissed right now. Exporting just segment 3. Ok it went past 6%. There's still hope but I am still raged up.

Those *beepin* beeps!! Shuuuusshhh Artooooo.

3am

It seems that tidying files and updating QuickTime did the trick. I now have 2 segments under my belt. I feel a little invincible now. Finally a break from the horror. Also a break because am in the toilet and typing this. Will wash hands, don't worry.

Oh, and I've also finished my changes for the third episode. Awesome possum.

3.09am

Maybe I got happy too soon. Trying to open another episode crashed Premiere again. Oh why oh why?

Current score: Adobe Premiere Not-So-Pro 3, Sleep deprived editor 1.

And now the computer doesn't want to restart because Premiere refuses to force quit. Great. 

3.10am

The great mouse click war begins. I'm clicking till you force quit yourself, Premiere Pro! 

4am

Just checked the second episode and I just need to render a few parts and export is imminent... In 10 mins. I can smell my bed.

Also spotted 1 mistake from another editor. Haiya... But surprised at own alertness at 4am in the morning. Not too shabby eh.

4.09am

Looking at Facebook while things render. Hmmmm... Patience young padawan.. If I use the force, I can tune out that incessant beeps.

5.06am

Two episodes down, and just checked my last edit. 30minutes for the export and another 15 for uploading. An editor's job is really one of patience. Maybe I can cultivate my inner tranquility... Oh but wait, stomach's rumbling... Is it too early for breakfast?

5.25am

8 more minutes for the export toooo be dooone. And I think I hear school kids everywhere waking up.

5.27am

5 more minutes!! The excitement is killing me!!!!! Almooooooost there. If I am a superhero can I call myself the Exporter? My superpower will be rendering. Not rendering others unconscious. Just... Rendering.

5.32am

Stay awake! Stay awake! Anytime now.... 

5.33am

It says 100%! But er, the dialogue box is stuck... At 100%. What does that mean? Oh whew, it's done!

After much struggling with Google ( every piece of technology seems to be working against me at this juncture), it is uploading. But whhhaaaa.....tttt. 42mins for the upload?

That's it. I'm leaving it to upload. Getting outta here!

Update at 6.21am

I'm in my bed, still hungry, but I'll sleep it off. It's been a heck of a night. Goodnight all.

How To Get The Feeling For Wedding Videography

On 1st Jan this year, I had the opportunity to help a friend with a videography job for her wedding. That would be my seventh official wedding ceremony coverage. And well, being my seventh, least to say, I know the routine somewhat well. Makeup shots, veiling shots, groom gatecrash shots, entering room and kissing bride shot (VERY IMPORTANT!), walking down the aisle shot, exchanging rings shot, I dos... I have just about list down the most important shots of a wedding. With this checklist, one can never go wrong. 

But then again, once we get used to these shots, sometimes, the magic goes flat. Personally, I have experienced certain periods during the wedding where shots are quite uninspired. That happens mostly during times where something is being done for a long time, eg. make up. and I have already just about shot the bride from 10 different angles and 8 different shot sizes. I made up those numbers, of course.

So what do I do during that time? 

In the words of Jesus, seek and ye shall find! I found that when I look for things around to play with, with a keen eye and some luck, there will be interesting items to shoot. A hamster, curious about the commotion, a small mirror that I can use to play and shoot some reflection shots of the bride, and sometimes, close ups.

Close ups can intensify moods really well. Perhaps, that's why we always feel more intimate when we look at close ups of photographs.

They are holding hands! With some colour correction, her gown wouldn't look overexposed.

I recall that there were a few moments after the official ceremony was over, where they wanted to do a simple photoshoot with the photographer and I could jump in to do any shots as the videographer too. The photographer was busy snapping, making them pose, snapping again. When it was my turn, I tried to do the same, but moved the camera around.

The result? A somewhat zombie-looking bride and groom with frozen smiles standing static in my shot. There was absolutely no magic in that. Yikes. When we moved on to another spot for another photo opportunity, I had to think hard in my head. WHAT DO I DO?

I asked them to talk to each other. Bride, tell the groom what was the funniest thing that happened to you today. She did, they giggled. Groom, what was the funniest or weirdest thing that happened during the wedding? The bride chipped in with, you forgot your handphone! And they both laughed.

His hair falls. She reaches out to tidy it. She notices his tie is crooked and adjusts it.

Ahhhh... and all I had to do now, is to capture these moments. The magic flowed right back into my shot, and even though it was a very simple tight shot of the both of them together, life really came back into the picture.

In my humble opinion, even with the best angle and framing of each of the aforementioned checklist, if you forget to capture the humanistic, always spontaneous expressions from the bride, the groom, even their family and friends, meh... the edit will be super boring. But with each crack of a smile, each cheeky grin, movement, touch, reaction, that's what brings life into the video.

Trust me, I'm an editor in my day job :)

Side note: I was on standby to wait for the bride to march out, and I was trying to frame the door. Turns out to be a nicely "framed" (geddit!) shot of the full ceremony! Loved this shot! MAGIC!