GIGATT.
God is good. All the time.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Only By Grace
The best way to remember what God has done for us is to journal it down. And therefore, I shall, for He has been so full of goodness and mercy this week.
On Monday, I came home to the middle of an argument. There were tears, there was tension and emotions were highly unstable. I, for one, lost it as well. I wanted to walk away, I was about to, and things snapped. The next few moments were unforgettable, and it was one of the scariest moments in my life. The scariest, I reckon, on hindsight. I'm being vague about all because I cannot put it in words. Also, a part of me don't want to. (Since it's already over, let's just let the awful feelings go.) But, yes, scary it was. I walked back to my room, laid on my bed and cried out, and for the first time, it was desperate.
I whats-apped Felicia and Joyce, asked them to pray for me and the state of my family. I said to them, "It seems that I'm walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and I am scared shitless."
They listened, and they prayed.
On Tuesday and Wednesday, things didn't look too good. You can see the heartbreak in my parents' heart, the anger, the confusion. I chose to came home late after work. I didn't know what to do.
This morning, I brushed my teeth. My mum broke the news of a probable reconciliation. There was dialogue. There was breaking of ice. In the car as my dad drove me to work, he talked about how he gave in (at work) after looking at what happened at home, and work was good for now. Home is looking to be better.
In a span of 4 days, there was a lot of emotions going through the tiny heart and brain of yours truly. And just when I felt the most helpless, He was there. He carried everyone of us in this family through. He worked his powers and His glory was comforting.
I know, we're not at the end yet, and there has to be a lot to be done in the meantime. I really hope, by faith, we'll be okay.
By faith, we'll be okay.
On Monday, I came home to the middle of an argument. There were tears, there was tension and emotions were highly unstable. I, for one, lost it as well. I wanted to walk away, I was about to, and things snapped. The next few moments were unforgettable, and it was one of the scariest moments in my life. The scariest, I reckon, on hindsight. I'm being vague about all because I cannot put it in words. Also, a part of me don't want to. (Since it's already over, let's just let the awful feelings go.) But, yes, scary it was. I walked back to my room, laid on my bed and cried out, and for the first time, it was desperate.
I whats-apped Felicia and Joyce, asked them to pray for me and the state of my family. I said to them, "It seems that I'm walking through the valley of the shadow of death, and I am scared shitless."
They listened, and they prayed.
On Tuesday and Wednesday, things didn't look too good. You can see the heartbreak in my parents' heart, the anger, the confusion. I chose to came home late after work. I didn't know what to do.
This morning, I brushed my teeth. My mum broke the news of a probable reconciliation. There was dialogue. There was breaking of ice. In the car as my dad drove me to work, he talked about how he gave in (at work) after looking at what happened at home, and work was good for now. Home is looking to be better.
In a span of 4 days, there was a lot of emotions going through the tiny heart and brain of yours truly. And just when I felt the most helpless, He was there. He carried everyone of us in this family through. He worked his powers and His glory was comforting.
I know, we're not at the end yet, and there has to be a lot to be done in the meantime. I really hope, by faith, we'll be okay.
By faith, we'll be okay.
Monday, July 23, 2012
When sorrows like sea billows roar.
When peace like a river, attendeth my way
When sorrows like sea billows roar
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well in my soul.
I need to write this down. I need to remember this night.
This is the night where I walked through the valley of shadow of death, and I was scared shitless. But I'm not lost and I'm never letting go of His hand.
When sorrows like sea billows roar
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say
It is well, it is well in my soul.
I need to write this down. I need to remember this night.
This is the night where I walked through the valley of shadow of death, and I was scared shitless. But I'm not lost and I'm never letting go of His hand.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
The Price Of A Sideline
Recently, it's been a trend among my friends to look for me and ask if I can do some videos for them. They come from different denominations, but somehow, their deadlines converges. I wonder if there is a conspiracy there.
Don't matter. Anyway, every time people ask me to do videos, it's always been a struggle for me to determine a price for it. Or worse, to even put a price on it is so hard to do. I mean, for close friends I don't mind. And for church, it's a small service in comparison. But the disturbing ones are the ones whom you've never met, who are friends of friends.
I've just spent the last 3 nights doing up a video for this couple, one of whom is the sister of my teammate. While going through their photos and requirements, I am thinking of how much effort to put in. Well, I would very much like to, if I'm that way, declare that I should do my very best, even though no price was negotiated, and very likely, the amount that I'm working for is $0. I very much would like to say I would still put in 100% for $0. For people I don't even know.
But I should not kid myself.
I have always overlooked the way blessings and karma work. And obviously, as a Christian, one does not need karma at all. One will get what one does not deserve usually, in a good way. That's grace. But one should not stop the good because one knows one has been given grace. One should continue because the goodness comes from God, and not from one's own initiative.
Anyway, I told Sam, my other teammate about it, and she said, "Huh? If you don't even know if you're not getting paid, do for what?"
"So that I can amass enough karma and get to meet and marry the man of my dreams one day." I said, to rapturous laughter from her.
And at that point, I laughed so hard too, at my own silliness.
Well, now that it's been said, the 1st cut of the video has been done too. As much as I would like to say I've done a good job, I don't think I really did, and what bothers me is that it doesn't bother me at all.
That's also because I think even if you stick a knife to me and asked me to open my mouth to ask for a price, I won't do it. I won't dare, and that's the thing that's going to make me penniless for the rest of my life.
Going into an opposite direction, another friend who asked me to do just about the same thing (it's actually a photo montage- simple yes, but still need a bit of cutting and effects here and there) told me to quote her a price.
"Er... er..." was the answer I gave.
"$200? $150?" She asked.
"No need so much la. Very simple to do." I said, half struggling with my pride which says I should be worth more.
"$70? $80?"
"Ya! $70 is fine. $70 is good." Shut up now, Deanna. Shut up, won't you?
"Seems a bit low, no?"
"Nah, it sounds simple. $70 is okay." I answered, and it was a deal.
Alas, in conclusion, my sideline is no more of an extra meal than a complement to the salary. The more I do this, the more I also get to know of myself. So Deanna is a person who tries to be good, pretends to be okay, but is secretly grousing. Then again, I foil my own intentions when I get the opportunity to ask for what I want with my conscience.
Gasp! This must mean one thing. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!
And thus, the man theory about women is true.
Don't matter. Anyway, every time people ask me to do videos, it's always been a struggle for me to determine a price for it. Or worse, to even put a price on it is so hard to do. I mean, for close friends I don't mind. And for church, it's a small service in comparison. But the disturbing ones are the ones whom you've never met, who are friends of friends.
I've just spent the last 3 nights doing up a video for this couple, one of whom is the sister of my teammate. While going through their photos and requirements, I am thinking of how much effort to put in. Well, I would very much like to, if I'm that way, declare that I should do my very best, even though no price was negotiated, and very likely, the amount that I'm working for is $0. I very much would like to say I would still put in 100% for $0. For people I don't even know.
But I should not kid myself.
I have always overlooked the way blessings and karma work. And obviously, as a Christian, one does not need karma at all. One will get what one does not deserve usually, in a good way. That's grace. But one should not stop the good because one knows one has been given grace. One should continue because the goodness comes from God, and not from one's own initiative.
Anyway, I told Sam, my other teammate about it, and she said, "Huh? If you don't even know if you're not getting paid, do for what?"
"So that I can amass enough karma and get to meet and marry the man of my dreams one day." I said, to rapturous laughter from her.
And at that point, I laughed so hard too, at my own silliness.
Well, now that it's been said, the 1st cut of the video has been done too. As much as I would like to say I've done a good job, I don't think I really did, and what bothers me is that it doesn't bother me at all.
That's also because I think even if you stick a knife to me and asked me to open my mouth to ask for a price, I won't do it. I won't dare, and that's the thing that's going to make me penniless for the rest of my life.
Going into an opposite direction, another friend who asked me to do just about the same thing (it's actually a photo montage- simple yes, but still need a bit of cutting and effects here and there) told me to quote her a price.
"Er... er..." was the answer I gave.
"$200? $150?" She asked.
"No need so much la. Very simple to do." I said, half struggling with my pride which says I should be worth more.
"$70? $80?"
"Ya! $70 is fine. $70 is good." Shut up now, Deanna. Shut up, won't you?
"Seems a bit low, no?"
"Nah, it sounds simple. $70 is okay." I answered, and it was a deal.
Alas, in conclusion, my sideline is no more of an extra meal than a complement to the salary. The more I do this, the more I also get to know of myself. So Deanna is a person who tries to be good, pretends to be okay, but is secretly grousing. Then again, I foil my own intentions when I get the opportunity to ask for what I want with my conscience.
Gasp! This must mean one thing. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!
And thus, the man theory about women is true.
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Opportunities.
When we were young, how far did we think we would go? How far did you think you were gonna go?
Today, there was a meeting with the superior, and what came out were plans for the future. Therein, in the span of 10 minutes, golden opportunities- big, huge, international opportunities laid themselves on the ground. That is, if I choose to take it.
This evening, as I walked out of the office towards home, so many thoughts crawled through my tiny head. Do I just want to be a run-of-the-mill editor, or do I thirst for more? Will I be able to take the stress of the big projects and will I be able to make the sacrifice?
And then, this thought came creeping in. "What about God?"
"What about God?"
It disturbed me a little. You would think, God gives opportunities, right? You would think, "He's the one who hands it to you. He knows what you want and you want it. Take it."
Yet at the same time, my heart is saying,"Will you be consumed by this? Will you be able to have the time for His missions, His word, His ministry?"
I am stuck. Hopefully, as I start to pray about this, I'll get an answer that will bring peace into my heart. But still, I am quite excited about the opportunities. To totally misquote Katy Perry, that was my teenage dream. And it goes far beyond what I thought I will be doing.
You know what? I'm just going to continue dreaming big, and we'll see where He takes me.
Today, there was a meeting with the superior, and what came out were plans for the future. Therein, in the span of 10 minutes, golden opportunities- big, huge, international opportunities laid themselves on the ground. That is, if I choose to take it.
This evening, as I walked out of the office towards home, so many thoughts crawled through my tiny head. Do I just want to be a run-of-the-mill editor, or do I thirst for more? Will I be able to take the stress of the big projects and will I be able to make the sacrifice?
And then, this thought came creeping in. "What about God?"
"What about God?"
It disturbed me a little. You would think, God gives opportunities, right? You would think, "He's the one who hands it to you. He knows what you want and you want it. Take it."
Yet at the same time, my heart is saying,"Will you be consumed by this? Will you be able to have the time for His missions, His word, His ministry?"
I am stuck. Hopefully, as I start to pray about this, I'll get an answer that will bring peace into my heart. But still, I am quite excited about the opportunities. To totally misquote Katy Perry, that was my teenage dream. And it goes far beyond what I thought I will be doing.
You know what? I'm just going to continue dreaming big, and we'll see where He takes me.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
What Are Words
It seems that I've almost lost my love for writing. I looked at my past entries for the year and they were really short, some filled with concealed emotions and some with really bad grammar. Is this the time for the words to stop?
I hope not.
While it is truly hard to spill life's beans on a public platform, one that I can easily find just by googling my own name, I still find it nice to be able to express myself in my own space. Pity that when we're older, we've got to be more discerning, and therefore, unable to put our rawest thoughts up. After all, whatever we write out here is in black and white, stored for all eternity in the clouds of cyberspace. Also, if the topic is juicy, it's probably kinda P&C anyway.
So, the question is, how do I spice up the mundane things that happen in my daily life in my writing? I might just bore myself to death typing them out. HAHA. I need a thesaurus la.
Okay. Maybe I'll write about my achy-breaky bones in my next post. If I'm going to have to grow old, I might as well write about this kind of rheumatism/arthritis stuff sooner.
I hope not.
While it is truly hard to spill life's beans on a public platform, one that I can easily find just by googling my own name, I still find it nice to be able to express myself in my own space. Pity that when we're older, we've got to be more discerning, and therefore, unable to put our rawest thoughts up. After all, whatever we write out here is in black and white, stored for all eternity in the clouds of cyberspace. Also, if the topic is juicy, it's probably kinda P&C anyway.
So, the question is, how do I spice up the mundane things that happen in my daily life in my writing? I might just bore myself to death typing them out. HAHA. I need a thesaurus la.
Okay. Maybe I'll write about my achy-breaky bones in my next post. If I'm going to have to grow old, I might as well write about this kind of rheumatism/arthritis stuff sooner.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
The Coward
Courage, courage, where are you?
I need you to fight for what I want.
I don't want to stand alone, in a corner, looking at the lives that pass me by.
I don't want to be the lion that needs to walk the orange brick road.
Courage, courage.
I need you.
I need you to fight for what I want.
I don't want to stand alone, in a corner, looking at the lives that pass me by.
I don't want to be the lion that needs to walk the orange brick road.
Courage, courage.
I need you.
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