So it's come to this. It was a whirlwind work week, and I tolled like a soldier from Sunday to Friday, and at 1pm this Sunday, I'll be walking down that same road I always walk, into the dreaded office.
While the past few months have been good, this month's internship is rising to a new level of intensity-mostly because we're producing a video and guess who's in charge? Yes, the company's one and only producer/camera-person/director/editor, your truly.
I never thought it would take a huge toll on me, until I discovered yesterday I got really high for no reason after day 1 of principal photography. I met up with Joyce, Felicia, and a few other GIP students, as well as Felicia's friends who'd came for a holiday for simple drinks at a chill-out place called Luna. It was there, amidst the loud music, people who scream to try and hold a proper conversation, for just 1 minute, that I was very aware I was under tremendous stress. I felt I could just snap like a twig and break apart.
It was a scary feeling, perhaps generated under the influence of extra loud music ringing in the ears and dark place. A lot of questions went through my mind, and I was constantly asking myself why I was right there, in Luna, in Shanghai, in China. Suddenly I was fascinated by the fact that I am here. This internship has tested me on my independence, my ability to co-exist with others, displayed my flaws and vulnerabilities, and now is playing with my mental psyche.
For the first time, I'm handling a job with so much at stake, I know deep down I better not screw* it up.
I know in my heart, this shrapnel of a ticking time bomb will only stop when I'm done with the work I have to do. But then, I truly hate the position I'm in right now- the person who provides all with her super duper MacBook Pro. I just hate that sickening feeling at the back of my mind, mocking me with all the "what if you can't finish it? What if you fail? What if you do a damn lousy job and people think you arn't that good?".
Ah crapshit la.
Told you I'm becoming a bit berserk. The black face and mood swings appear far too many times that I'm alarmed at myself. I find sometimes I give off negative vibes to my housemates, and it's really a horrible thing to do, and I have to try and swing my mood the positive way, which takes quite a bit of time. Argh.
Currently, I'm still holding on, hoping to complete the work as soon as possible, and then just rest on the laurels until I'm done with internship. No doubt this has been a bloody good experience, but the stress that came with it has been more than I bargained for.
14 weeks down, and 6 uber intensive more to go. Let's just call this a fitting climax.
*Screw is a much milder word than what I had in mind.
**Something irrelevant but worth mentioning-I saw a hailstorm on Friday midway through shooting. Tiny blocks of ice poured from the sky.
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