Stupidity

I've always thought of myself as a stupid person.

"Stupid", from the viewpoint of this world. Who will send others home when it's not on the way? Who will stay on as part of some farewell committee for a team, when you don't get any playing time at all? Who will stay away from the team I loved most because some ass told me to?

Among other things.

That's why I say, I've always thought of myself as a stupid person. Or rather, people come up to me and say, "Why are you so stupid?"

I don't know. But it was okay.

These days, I don't feel really okay to be stupid. 

It sucks to know that you're not even a bench player, you're relegated to being a spectator. In all fairness, my coach has expressed her regret at this, and I understand why, I do, but my mind likes to speculate about all sorts of imaginary excuses. "You're just plain lousy."

I know that when I delve into this territory, it's dangerous. All the "me" thoughts, and the "I" thoughts and the "I should matter" thoughts. Self-pity is so sad.

These days, I'm wallowing. But I don't want to stay here and mope all over like a pathetic lonely person. Even though I'd like to, really, really like to.

So old already, still want to mope?

With hope, with God's grace, I'll be pulled out of it. After all, I am in this world, but NOT OF this world. I just need to put that into perspective. Again, pray for me?