The Burning Smell of Death

The door to the furnace opened. I heard a trolley moving.

Everyone craned their necks forward, in silence. In dread. 

"Be brave." A voice cried out. It was someone in the very first row, just in front of the glass panel. Sobs can be heard.

I held onto the railing in front of me, breathing in and trying to compose myself. It felt like the worst feeling ever. I had an impulse to grab the hand of the girl beside me, but I gathered the courage not to.

Slowly, the wooden box rolled forward, just beneath us. The atmosphere was unbearable. There we were, a crowd of about fifty, watching the coffin move into the next phase. Everyone was silent. 

The man inside was my churchmate's father, who had succumbed to cancer after battling with it for a good few years. I did not know him at all, although I have seen him in pictures on Facebook posted by my friend.

Still, there is something sobering about watching a fellow human's life coming to an end. I have never come this close to death before, only going to void deck wakes and looking at the departed in glass coffins.

As the coffin rolled nearer to the furnace, there was a heaviness that lingered in the air, pierced by sobs, crying and sadness. And if i, a person who never knew him, could have such a grieved moment, I could not imagine the pain of his death through the eyes of his family and friends.

And although, we know, in scripture, in consolation, that He is gone to be with our Father, the wanting to stop the coffin from inching further in is real. The hope for forever, for immortality, the desire for death to be defeated was immediate. 

Alas, we were all physically separated, here we are, the alive in the viewing gallery, and the dead in the coffin. 

Finally, the coffin entered the furnace area and the door closed. That was it. Everyone slowly streamed out the exit. Everyone, after consolations and hugs, returned to their normal routines and their lives.

I drove away, returning to civilisation, returning to doing my work, resuming my life.

But tonight, I felt the need to write this down, to remember. I left that experience with strange feelings. The regret of death is real. 

I wonder if this will change my heart for evangelism. I do not know and only time will tell. But one thing is for sure, the regret of death is heavy. 

I wonder if it will change my outlook on life. I wonder if I would start prioritising some things over others. 

I know in my head and in my heart, God and his promises. It's a hard thing to reconcile though, when a body is going to be burnt. But then, all the more, all the more, I need to hold onto my God, the God who conquered death.

For now, I am glad to be breathing, living and knowing, the joy after death.

Of Prep And Plans (Or Please Don't Follow The Way I Plan My Wedding)

After the successful/ surprising proposal by the boyfriend last December, we started prepping for "The Big Day". Only to find, that there are so many bumps and obstacles en route. Such as:

- Originally we had this grand idea of throwing a beach party at this nice big open air cafe in Sentosa.  That's because he has got a whole troop of youngsters and I've got 3 whole basketball teams to invite, on top of our relatives. However, after one or two correspondence with them, the prices are on par with hotels. Hotels will usually throw in at least one night's stay, flower arrangement services, free wedding favours but that place doesn't, which makes that idea ridiculously an expensive one. So we started looking for other places.

Upon researching and emailing other possible venues:

- Some venues are already booked out on Saturdays this November and December. AND IT'S ONLY MARCH NOW!!!

Then going back to the church idea because our church definitely can hold a lot of people for the ceremony. BUT:

- I really do want to hold it in my church, but some new rules are hard to swallow. Basically it's a 50/50 chance of having the solemniser we want...

- I still want to hold it in my church, but the car park is really small for a reception. We really want a reception that is interactive and fun, then dinner will just be with the relatives.

- The boyfriend is outraged at the tentage price if we would like to hold the reception at the car park.

And looking at the current wedding industry:

- Who invented the wedding cake? Who invented the $2000 plus to rent but $3000 to buy gown? Who made a wedding photo album a necessity? The commercialisation of this occassion is worse than Christmas.

- We went to a wedding show at a hotel that we knew we could not afford, but we wanted to see how these things are like. Sure, I ate back most of what I paid for at the buffet lunch, but Mr Lim ended up sleeping like a pig during the wedding gown fashion runway segment. (I laughed to myself looking at him dozing off. Too funny!)

"Vanity, everything is vanity"

Anyway, without a fixed venue and date, there's not much else to do, because most of your deadlines and timelines will work towards that date and that venue "look". So, we're still looking. We're still hopeful.

We've also started asking around in other churches, churches with big carparks. So far, the few responses we've been getting aren't very good as they also have been booked out end of the year and/or only allow non-members who have no church buildings to rent.

Of course, it's a little unsettling that after 3 months of trying to get a place/ a date, we're still at square one. And I was slightly dismayed.

The boyfriend, or rather, fiance, said, well, worst-case we'll do it at ROM, just us lor. Then we'll do church on another day.

I said, hmm... I don't know... I need time to warm up to that idea.

In my mind, I'm thinking, what!! No fanfare? No celebrations? Just us? What a low-key affair! But I want to show people that I'm getting married leh.

Okay, so I wanted to show off. "Vanity, everything is vanity"

Then I picked up the bible - I had to, my mind was in destress- and I was on Isaiah. It was about God chiding His people, who'd abandoned Him to worship the mountains, to worship themselves.

Alamak...

I guess it brings a wedding into perspective. And what it should glorify.

The answer is... not me la.

So I messaged the boyfriend, as long as your family and my family and our choice solemniser get to go eat Hai Di Lao together after ROM, I think can la... I'm warming up to that idea already.

Right now, our plan is to just keep looking. The good thing is, our God do not demand that there's a special date that we die die have to marry on - one day is really small when you look at eternity as your timeline la- and although people have been bugging me on fixing the wedding date as fast as I can, I am actually quite glad that we are taking time to think through and explore different options.

One because it's a lot of money leh.

Two because it's our project together! And the end of our "first major project" happens on the wedding day. HAHA. We should use this time to get to know one another's styles and ways of doing things. No rush lar.

And three, the wedding deadline is set by us. And I think to myself, well, I rather be flexible and save 30% on my wedding day, then I use that money I save on my marriage la eg. house/ expenses/ honeymoon even. Right? Right?

Anyway, here's us after the proposal. Hehe... As you can see, I was totally not dressed for the occasion. :)

And then now I'm stuck on S.H.E

Alamak... Time traveling ear worm!!!!!!