Arise, My Darling.

It's the time for counting down.

1 month, and a half.

And then, my life is probably going to look, sound, taste and feel very different.

Am I prepared?

Well, my stuff are all still at home, so I guess the answer is probably... I don't know.

Am I excited?

Definitely.

Am I stressed out?

Sometimes. But I have this certain ability to tune out unimportant things, which is also the reason why my room is still intact and nothing has moved out of the house yet.

Do I want Mr Lim to be my husband though?

Yes, yes, a million times yes.

You Don't Miss the Water Until It's Gone

It has been a week without a soul at home.

The parents and the sister are in the States for a break, and I'm the only one in our five room Bishan flat. I really cannot think of a day where I was once left alone in the flat, as there'll always be at least one other sibling or parent at home.

It's pretty weird. And I constantly have to remind myself that I am 28 already. An adult capable of living independently by herself.

Yeah right.

I still get slightly scared by random creaks around, and living next to an MRT depot where trains drone on doesn't help at all. My own shadow does not help. 

That said though, I do enjoy the freedom of being by myself, watching Netflix in the living room all by myself and eating whatever I want.

It's just though, the silence can be quite intimidating. Not that I don't talk like there's no tomorrow on normal days at home, but there's just something warm about human bodies being in proximity to one another. There's that sort of comfort, that safety and just a feeling of peace.

Wow now I'm missing the water.

Saturday's Alright

It's one of those rare Saturdays where I thought I had something on, but I didn't, and so ended up getting groceries and then enjoyed a nap at home.

And then I did what I thought would be unthinkable.

I googled "workout videos" and did 2 of those "beginners" video. At first, no problem, it's simple. Then the man in the video proceeded to do crunches, and jabs, and I really started sweating like nobody's business. I was so tired by his third set that I checked the time that has passed and.. it's only been 5 minutes.

Yes, this is how unfit I am!

I have since bathed and now, as I'm typing this, I'm still achey. But that said, I did enjoy the heart pumping motions and the sweat that is coming out. Just something about exercising that is just so enjoyable and healthy.

Alright, it's 7pm and my body is saying "It's time for bed."

I'm kidding.

Of What's Trending and What's Eternal

In the midst of all that one-in-a-lifetime wedding planning, I found it all too easy to lose myself in the busyness of it all.

The colour scheme, the invites, the dresses, the shoes, the make up, the props, and even the hashtag. Yes, that hex thingy also!!!!

But the twist is, the fiance doesn't.

He likes to talk about everything else. Although he does, once in a while, broach about the topic.

I guess it's a good thing, since I'll probably drive him and myself crazy if all we did all day was to talk about that one day in our entire lifetime together.

And it does takes some pressure off when we allow ourselves to stop being so hectic and hung up on things that we want to do and get frustrated about the things that we know we cannot do.

And if we overhype things, what'll happen after that day, right? There's still a life ahead to look forward to, and I see his wisdom in thinking about that more than the one day.

Well anyway, currently we have thought about a lot a lot of puns for our "Save The Date". They include our top (controversial) favourite, a bacteria saying STD! (Save.The.Date), and a date drowing and saying "Save Me!" Good right? That's the thing about weddings, right? That everyone wants to try to be as unique as we can.

In the midst of all of these though, I have this naggy feeling that the current social ideal of "Weddings" is so far off from what is biblical and what is important. It is hard though, not to get swept up in the hype of that ONE PERFECT DAY. However, our daily lives still need pruning and moulding, the sheep needs to get fed, and our lives' missions don't just stop because we have a wedding to plan.

Or at least that's what I'm trying to tell myself in a all-mature voice.

Luckily, looking at my own wallet and then at the prices of so called "Must Have" wedding items sobers me up. "Must Have" my arse. I used to think that one needs to be married in a hotel as a standard. I only remembered that a few days after I've signed a package with a Chinese restaurant group. That's why people say, all your dreams fly away when you grow up.

But anyway, of course I am still looking forward to the planning and everything in between.

Ahhh.. 6 more months to go!

Words of Wisdom

“Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.”

Proverbs 16:32 ESVV

Love Is Easy

When I was younger, I'd imagine what love would be like for me. I was never the prettiest, the most popular, and my brush with love was far and few. And I do know a thing or two about unrequited love as well.

Such was my life, and of course shaping my perceptions were TV shows with fateful lovers aplenty. Looking at the drama that also surrounded some of my friends, I thought, man, relationships are tough.

Yesterday was a difficult day for me. In the morning, I was berated by my mother, to the point where I stormed out the house and drove away while crying in the car. House moving had caused much tension and uneasiness in my family.

When I reached church, I saw my friends and I put on a brave front. But when I saw ZR, I whispered to him, I'm so upset.

He was in the midst of preparing for his sermon. Are you upset with me? He asked.

No not you, my mother.

Okay okay, you hold on ah. He went quickly to do something, but was right back beside me in a jiffy.

What happened, he asked.

And then, I don't know what came over me, the floodgates unleashed itself.

He stayed with me, and even brought me to buy some baos, as I hadn't eaten at all. Don't you have a sermon to go to, I asked.

I've got time, he said cheerfully. I'll stay with you.

And so from then till the day ended, he was right beside me. I felt so comforted and so blessed.

Near the end of the day, he turned to me and said, did you ever think life will be like this, dear?

Never, I said. I never thought I would be this happy. This comfortable.

For me to have found a guy, who makes punnier jokes, who knows Stacy's Mum and even rickrolled me during the proposal, never in all my life. I was looking at him once while preaching, and I remembered a prayer I made to God. God, I just want to have a Christian boyfriend. Any Christian boy also can la, I just don't want to be single. Thank you God. 

Then I see in front of me the boy whom I love, loving God as he preaches with fervor and conviction. And guess what, he loves me back! That very moment, was the moment I knew, God You love me so much. And I know in every bit of my being, I do not deserve being loved so much.

I never thought love could be like this. I had once decided that love was just a small aspect of life ( when I was single and trying not to be desperate). But my God, my God, showed me how important love is.

I never thought that love could be so easy. 

But it is.

The Burning Smell of Death

The door to the furnace opened. I heard a trolley moving.

Everyone craned their necks forward, in silence. In dread. 

"Be brave." A voice cried out. It was someone in the very first row, just in front of the glass panel. Sobs can be heard.

I held onto the railing in front of me, breathing in and trying to compose myself. It felt like the worst feeling ever. I had an impulse to grab the hand of the girl beside me, but I gathered the courage not to.

Slowly, the wooden box rolled forward, just beneath us. The atmosphere was unbearable. There we were, a crowd of about fifty, watching the coffin move into the next phase. Everyone was silent. 

The man inside was my churchmate's father, who had succumbed to cancer after battling with it for a good few years. I did not know him at all, although I have seen him in pictures on Facebook posted by my friend.

Still, there is something sobering about watching a fellow human's life coming to an end. I have never come this close to death before, only going to void deck wakes and looking at the departed in glass coffins.

As the coffin rolled nearer to the furnace, there was a heaviness that lingered in the air, pierced by sobs, crying and sadness. And if i, a person who never knew him, could have such a grieved moment, I could not imagine the pain of his death through the eyes of his family and friends.

And although, we know, in scripture, in consolation, that He is gone to be with our Father, the wanting to stop the coffin from inching further in is real. The hope for forever, for immortality, the desire for death to be defeated was immediate. 

Alas, we were all physically separated, here we are, the alive in the viewing gallery, and the dead in the coffin. 

Finally, the coffin entered the furnace area and the door closed. That was it. Everyone slowly streamed out the exit. Everyone, after consolations and hugs, returned to their normal routines and their lives.

I drove away, returning to civilisation, returning to doing my work, resuming my life.

But tonight, I felt the need to write this down, to remember. I left that experience with strange feelings. The regret of death is real. 

I wonder if this will change my heart for evangelism. I do not know and only time will tell. But one thing is for sure, the regret of death is heavy. 

I wonder if it will change my outlook on life. I wonder if I would start prioritising some things over others. 

I know in my head and in my heart, God and his promises. It's a hard thing to reconcile though, when a body is going to be burnt. But then, all the more, all the more, I need to hold onto my God, the God who conquered death.

For now, I am glad to be breathing, living and knowing, the joy after death.